Asked & Answered: Can you be too close to your parents?

By: Sarah Steward, MS*

HPRC staff get many Ask the Expert questions from Military Service Members, and the answers often include vital information to help you stay mission-ready, so you can perform well.

Social fitness is an important part of your overall health and wellness. When your relationships are healthy, you’re more likely to perform at your best. HPRC’s experts are often asked how to actually build those healthy relationships—or work on ones that are struggling. Check out one relationship expert’s take on a commonly asked question about dealing with your partner’s family.

Asked & Answered
My partner and I have been having disagreements about her relationship with her family. I have a good relationship with my parents, and they respect my space. But my partner has an attachment to her parents that I feel is stronger than ours, and it’s interfering with our relationship. Is this normal?

There isn’t really a standard measure for how close is “too close.” It’s really about communicating what works well for each of you. But if you or your partner are noticing that the relationship with her parents is affecting your relationship, then it might be time to explore the dynamic.

It’s normal for there to be some adjustment (and difficulty) as you move through common life transitions such as leaving your parents and forming a committed couple relationship as an adult. Doing so can also be hard for military couples because of frequent separations due to deployment, training, or other duties. Partners might turn towards family members for support during these separations, which can sometimes make the transition back to “couple-hood” bumpy. So, focusing on setting healthy boundaries and expanding your support systems might be a good place to start.

Whatever the case, it really comes back to each of you being able to communicate your needs and expectations, listen to each other, and find a path forward that works for everyone. Start with an open conversation. Pick a time where you both can focus on the discussion without interruptions or distractions. Use “I” statements to start your talk off on the right foot too. And really listen to what your partner has to say. Try to remember that her relationship with her parents is probably very important, so validate her perspective and make small changes you both feel comfortable with.

Ask the expert 
To learn more about social fitness or ask an HPRC expert about other issues that affect performance, visit the HPRC website.

About the author 
Sarah Steward, of the Henry M. Jackson Foundation, is a Social Health Scientist for the Consortium for Health and Military Performance (CHAMP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences (USUHS).

Disclosure: The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of USUHS or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The author has no financial interests or relationships to disclose.

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