Asked & Answered: Conflict resolution with adult children

By: Sarah Steward, MS*

HPRC staff get many Ask the Expert questions from Military Service Members, and the answers often include vital information to help you stay mission-ready, so you can perform well. When your relationships are healthy, you can perform at your best.

One of the questions the HRPC experts are asked is how to build those healthy relationships—or how to work on ones that are struggling. An important part of your overall health and wellness is social fitness. In this blog, one HPRC relationship expert answers a Military Service Member’s question about conflict resolution between parents and their adult children.

Asked & Answered
My adult son and I seem to be stuck in a pattern where we can’t have a civil conversation. How can we get out of it?

As children grow up, their relationships with their parents change. Many parent-child relationships are stuck in patterns they established early on. If this is true of you and your son, you could be treating him like a child, and he is reluctant to being dragged back to adolescence. Once you have established those patterns, they can be hard to break, which is why you feel stuck.

The way you treat him can dictate how he responds, and vice versa. The most important thing to do is stick to your intention to break the cycle, no matter what. Try to stay calm, speak in a neutral tone, and practice good communication skills. It also means having a “retreat” strategy. By now, you probably know what starts a fight with your son. Decide in advance what to do when you or the other person get triggered.

When you have something important to discuss, consider how to start the conversation so you avoid argument traps. Sometimes when you speak, you may use a tone or words in a way that automatically puts others on the defensive. A great way to start on the right foot is to “start gently.” This means you pay particular attention to soften your tone. Then really think about the best way to word your conversations.

If you find that your son still responds negatively, despite your best efforts, pause and “check in.” A good way to do this is with an “I statement.” These statements begin with the word “I” and convey your thoughts or feelings from your own perspective. For example, you could say: “I want this to be a good conversation, and I don’t mean to be critical. How can I restart this better?”

Keep in mind, it isn’t about being right! If you’re concerned about being right or winning, then it’s likely you’re putting your own needs before your relationship with your son. Instead, focus on nurturing your relationships and supporting those you care about. You’ll probably find that you’ll get support in return. If you negotiate for what you want or need, and balance it with what others want, you can create a “win-win” relationship.

With patience and persistence, you can improve your relationship with your adult child and others.

Ask the Expert
To learn more about social fitness, or to ask an HPRC expert about other issues that affect performance, visit susupo.eu.org.

About the author:
Sarah Steward, of the Henry M. Jackson Foundation, is a Social Health Scientist for the Consortium for Health and Military Performance (CHAMP) at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences (USU).

Disclosure: *The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The author has no financial interests or relationships to disclose.

Share this post