“We’re not going to survive—we’re going to thrive!”: A military spouse talks about her children's resilience during deployment

 

CHAMP’s Alaina Hansom sat down with friend and fellow military spouse Sara Adams to talk about resilience and attachment styles during deployment. Attachment styles are the ways we react when we’re separated from and then reunited with those in our close relationships such as the temporary separation experienced during deployment.

At the time of our interview, Sara’s husband had been deployed for about 8½ months. Sara and her two daughters, Mary Grace and Lizzy, were anxiously awaiting his homecoming.

AH: How old were each of your kids when your husband first deployed? And how old will they be when your husband comes home?

SA: Mary Grace had just turned 2, and Lizzy was a newborn at 2 weeks old when my husband deployed. Mary Grace will be 2 years and 10 months, and Lizzy will be 10 months when he comes home.

AH: How have you raised resilient children during this deployment?

SA: Lizzy is still very young, so I can’t say she exactly knows what’s going on. But Mary Grace is a resilient child, and I think it’s because I’ve always been very positive about everything. We talk about her dad a lot and always have happy conversations.

Mary Grace has also felt nothing but love this deployment, which has helped her to be resilient. She feels love from me, her dad over FaceTime, her grandparents who visit, and her teachers at school. She’s constantly received attention that makes her feel loved. But when Mary Grace is whining more than usual, I know she wants attention. I try to acknowledge her by giving her 10 minutes of undivided attention, which means no Lizzy, no phones, and no TV on. That seems to help with her because all she wanted was attention and some one-on-one time.

My best advice—and what has made my kids so resilient and happy—is that they have a routine, and they feel secure during this time. I think for Mary Grace especially, structure makes her feel safe. The most helpful thing I’ve done for her is give her a routine that makes her feel safe, which makes her more resilient.

AH: What’s your attachment style? How does that impact your parenting during deployment?

SA: I have a secure attachment style. I’m confident on my own, but of course I’d rather have my husband home. My motto this deployment has been, “We’re not going to survive this deployment; we’re going to thrive.” And we have—we’ve thrived. Of course I miss my husband, and the girls miss their dad like crazy, but we’re good.

Part of the reason we’ve thrived is because I work outside of the home. I have a distraction from the deployment due to my professional goals. I love being with my kids and I love my job—and I think it helps me be a more patient mother. I can take a deep breath when my daughter throws a tantrum because, for example, I gave her the “wrong color” cup. It makes me more patient and stronger instead of giving into the tantrums like I might have otherwise done if I were tired or didn’t have a break. I do think my mood dictates my kids' moods. If I were strung out, tired, and short, it would really impact my kids. But since I also focus on myself, such as by working or attending squadron functions, I can be more patient at home. I know not every family can afford childcare, and I’m lucky we have that option because it works well for our family.

Overall, my parenting style has changed during this deployment. I think I’m more structured than I was when my husband was home. When he was home, we’d share the parenting load (for example, Mary Grace’s bath time and bedtime routines). But then my husband deployed 2 weeks after Lizzy was born, so not only did we add one child to our family, we lost the help of one parent. The first 4 months of deployment felt crazy as I tried to develop new routines. But now we’ve adapted. We’re in those routines and thriving.

AH: How have your children reacted to this deployment?

SA: Once again, Lizzy is too young to really understand what’s going on since she was a newborn when he deployed. But my husband deploying was hard on Mary Grace. Part of it could be the double whammy because a new sister came into the picture, and then 2 weeks later her dad left on deployment. Mary Grace is used to her dad being gone for detachments for about a week at a time, so during the first week of deployment, it felt like a normal week for us—other than the fact I was exhausted because I had a newborn. The deployment really hit Mary Grace around week 3 when she realized not only was her sister here to stay, but her dad was gone, and she wasn’t receiving as much attention. She asks for her dad a lot, and luckily, we can FaceTimehim. If I was honest with you, though, at first that made it worse for our family because when we FaceTimed, Mary Grace was reminded that her dad was gone. I’ve repeated throughout this deployment that her dad loves her and that he’s helping our country. And she seems proud of that because she’ll go to school and tell her friends, “My daddy is helping people.”

AH: Do you have a plan in place for how your husband will reintegrate into the family after deployment?

SA: This is our first deployment as a family, so I talked with other military spouses, especially my husband’s commanding officer’s wife, to help manage our expectations. I also started to have conversations with my husband about how reintegration might not be what we think it might be. Of course we hope it’s happy and seamless, but from what I’ve heard, kids might initially be happy to see their dad come home, but then become a bit standoffish and only want mom to help them brush their teeth, for example.

I also started preparing Mary Grace for reintegration by telling her, “Daddy is going to start helping you with things. You and daddy can start going to the park together.” But she is communicating that she wants me there too by replying, “Well mama’s going to come too, right?” I want Mary Grace and my husband to have their special one-on-one time like they used to, but I don’t want her to feel abandoned by me when her dad comes home. So, I’m still trying to figure out a good way to approach that.

Other than that, I’m normally so well-planned, but I have no idea what to expect since this is our first deployment. Besides the conversations I’ve had with my husband and Mary Grace, I’m trying to have everything ready in the house. And we’re planning a family vacation for after deployment as well.

AH: How will you anticipate your children’s needs during reintegration? And how will you balance that with your own needs of reconnection with your husband after deployment?

SA: About 7½ months into the deployment, my husband and I were lucky enough to meet in Hawaii for 5 days. We had that time to be together—just us—and I think that’s probably the best thing we could have done. We already had our honeymoon phase and time of reconnection, so when he comes back, it will be his time to really focus on bonding with our kids. And I know I’ll have opportunities for one-on-one time with him during the evenings after the girls go to sleep.

Sara Adams lives with her husband, daughters, and dog near Naval Air Station Whidbey Island. She works as a financial advisor and loves to run and hike in her spare time.

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Disclosure: The opinions and assertions expressed herein are those of the authors and do not reflect the official policy or position of USU or DoD. The contents of this publication are the sole responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or policies of The Henry M. Jackson Foundation for the Advancement of Military Medicine, Inc. Mention of trade names, commercial products, or organizations does not imply endorsement by the U.S. Government. The authors have no financial interests or relationships to disclose.

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